Little Mean Fred's Christmas Story

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Little Mean Fred. He looked like this.

Little Mean Fred liked fire, and every year for Christmas he would ask Santa for coal. But Santa thought Little Mean Fred was a good boy, so Santa didn't want to give him coal. He gave him delicious treats in his stocking instead.

But Little Mean Fred really wanted coal for Christmas, so he decided to be a bad little boy. He killed Little Suzie and Sweet Charlene and Tubby Tim and Marcus the Underbite Kid. He killed Funny Jackie and Stinky Liza and Pretty Kelly and Kobayashi the Japanese Boy and even Three-Eyed McFinnegan.

So Santa realized his mistake. Little Mean Fred was a very bad little boy. So Santa stuffed his stocking with a whole bunch of coal. And Little Mean Fred burned down the school, and killed 300 more little children. The End.

Happy Holidays!

Ode to Old People

Being old is awesome. From the big ugly glasses to the driving skills to thewisdom leaking everywhere, old people are just plain cool, whippersnappers! You know who's old? Sean Connery. Chuck Norris. Larry King. The Curb Your Enthusiasm guy. Andy Rooney. Ghandi. Jesus. And all these people made a HUGE impact on our world today!
Let's face it, some people are old before they become old! Like that 8 year old who watches jeopardy while eating applesauce. He's old! He's eight and he's old. It's just life.
But honestly, who wouldn't want to be old? Old people are the only people who can still be cool while rapping or making gang signs. If your boyfriend makes a gang sign, you say, "Jeremy, PLEASE, try and be professional!" But if Grandpa Ernie shows you how he can spell "Thug Life" with his knuckles, you're going to giggle and give him a high-five. There's something magical about an old person doing young people things. Like skateboarding! Imagine a little old man skateboarding. What a badass! But if you see Timmy from down the street skateboarding, nobody cares.
Old people are just better. They meet all the "better" critera. In fact, they meet all the "BUTTER" critera!
Actually, scratch that. I was trying to make a joke, but it didn't work. Maybe I'm just a little senile.

AWESOME!

Maybe I won't be so excited about it when I'm old, but I can't wait to yell at teenagers! Stupid teenagers. Gettin' all uppity. I'm not excited about the back pain, but I'm hoping that if I take my pills and drink a cup of gin every morning, it won't be too bad. I'm also not looking forward to not being able to run. So I'm hoping to be one of those superhuman 86 year olds who run cross country and drink a gallon of carrot juice everyday. As long as that plan works out, being old is going to be so so so cool.
And to the man who said, "Hope I die before I get old!" I say this,

"More old for me!"