Ode to Beef Stew

I really enjoy eating desserts for breakfast. I don't know why I enjoy it so much. Maybe because I hate breakfast food and I like dessert food.
See, it's one thing to wake up in the morning and eat spaghetti or a sandwich. But when I wake up in the morning, my mother always reccomends the same thing.
Oatmeal. Oatmeal or fruit.
Now, I don't know about you, but I don't care how nutritious it is, oatmeal or fruit is not the kind of hearty meal I want to start my day with.
Honestly, I think the best breakfast food out there would be a hearty bowl of beef stew. Things that are hearty are just made to get me rollin' in the morning. Oatmeal is not hearty. Sure it has fiber, but where's the soul?! I just don't want oatmeal for breakfast.
The next best thing of course, is a nice bowl of ice cream. Or a brownie.
Because if I can't have beef stew, I want some butter pecan ice cream. It's not hearty but boy is it nice to wake up to something that's not oatmeal.
But between you and me, I get more excited about eating beef stew. Because I've only had it like twice, and both times it was simply exhilarating. Like floating on a cloud of beef.
Actually that sounds disgusting. More like sinking your teeth into the flank of a large non-predatory animal with almost no defenses while chomping down on some stewed carrots and celery. Yeah. It's like that.

Little Mean Fred's Christmas Story

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Little Mean Fred. He looked like this.

Little Mean Fred liked fire, and every year for Christmas he would ask Santa for coal. But Santa thought Little Mean Fred was a good boy, so Santa didn't want to give him coal. He gave him delicious treats in his stocking instead.

But Little Mean Fred really wanted coal for Christmas, so he decided to be a bad little boy. He killed Little Suzie and Sweet Charlene and Tubby Tim and Marcus the Underbite Kid. He killed Funny Jackie and Stinky Liza and Pretty Kelly and Kobayashi the Japanese Boy and even Three-Eyed McFinnegan.

So Santa realized his mistake. Little Mean Fred was a very bad little boy. So Santa stuffed his stocking with a whole bunch of coal. And Little Mean Fred burned down the school, and killed 300 more little children. The End.

Happy Holidays!

Ode to Old People

Being old is awesome. From the big ugly glasses to the driving skills to thewisdom leaking everywhere, old people are just plain cool, whippersnappers! You know who's old? Sean Connery. Chuck Norris. Larry King. The Curb Your Enthusiasm guy. Andy Rooney. Ghandi. Jesus. And all these people made a HUGE impact on our world today!
Let's face it, some people are old before they become old! Like that 8 year old who watches jeopardy while eating applesauce. He's old! He's eight and he's old. It's just life.
But honestly, who wouldn't want to be old? Old people are the only people who can still be cool while rapping or making gang signs. If your boyfriend makes a gang sign, you say, "Jeremy, PLEASE, try and be professional!" But if Grandpa Ernie shows you how he can spell "Thug Life" with his knuckles, you're going to giggle and give him a high-five. There's something magical about an old person doing young people things. Like skateboarding! Imagine a little old man skateboarding. What a badass! But if you see Timmy from down the street skateboarding, nobody cares.
Old people are just better. They meet all the "better" critera. In fact, they meet all the "BUTTER" critera!
Actually, scratch that. I was trying to make a joke, but it didn't work. Maybe I'm just a little senile.

AWESOME!

Maybe I won't be so excited about it when I'm old, but I can't wait to yell at teenagers! Stupid teenagers. Gettin' all uppity. I'm not excited about the back pain, but I'm hoping that if I take my pills and drink a cup of gin every morning, it won't be too bad. I'm also not looking forward to not being able to run. So I'm hoping to be one of those superhuman 86 year olds who run cross country and drink a gallon of carrot juice everyday. As long as that plan works out, being old is going to be so so so cool.
And to the man who said, "Hope I die before I get old!" I say this,

"More old for me!"

Ode to Not Having to Wait at a Stoplight for a Green Arrow

So have you ever been driving along with the hopes of turning left? Most people have wanted to turn left at some time in their life. Well, you'd think it's not too complicated, but there's almost always one thing in the way. When you arrive at a stoplight, get in the left turning lane and see...

The Red Arrow.

There's something menacing about the red arrow. Everyone else has the green light, but you're stuck there waiting for the damn red arrow to turn green. Just waiting. Waiting.
When it finally does turn green, you have maybe thirty seconds to FLY through your left turn and if you're more than four cars back, you can forget turning left on this particular green arrow. It's just not going to happen, buster!

That's why today's ode is to "not having to wait at a stoplight for a green arrow." Because driving along at 50 mph and seeing that green arrow is already green so that you can just turn and not wait for no reason, I think, may be the most fulfilling driving experience in the world!

Actually, just not having to wait at all is a fantastic experience. We're living in impatient times! I want my food NOW. That's why we have microwaves. I want my mail INSTANTLY. Email! I want my waste disposed as soon as it RETREATS FROM MY BOWELS! Indoor plumbing.

Now all of these things are great, but we're talking about green arrows here! The green arrow is almost a passport, a window to the left turn. That's really all you can say about them. I just wanted to bring attention to how much fun it is to turn left without waiting. What a rush.

Ode to Puppies

You know what I love? A nice warm puppy. I don't think there's anything better in the whole wide world.

Puppies are like babies. Except they're less needy. You have to teach babies to walk. Puppies already know how to walk. Less needy.

But do you know what's even better about a puppy? They're wiggly and plump and they run around and snuggle with everyone! I would kill to have that life. Puppies have got it all.

Sure, people are down on puppies sometimes because they cry at night. But so do babies. And puppies pee on things sometimes. But so do alcoholics. And there are days when puppies chew up your shoes. But what raccoon hasn't done the same thing?

My puppy is a giant beast. He loves to lick everyone and his whole body shakes with excitement whenever anyone comes through the door. He's clumsy and often runs into things because his huge body is a little too excited to see you to worry about manuvering around things. He just walks right through them instead.

If you're a cat person, you probably don't appreciate these traits like I do. I adore my puppy. He's the disgusting silly love of my life! But some cat people say they'd rather chill with a cat.

I guess that's okay. But you don't see me writing an ode to kittens do you? As a result, puppies are clearly superior.

How many famous cats are there? Garfield. Snowball II. That's it.

But how many famous dogs are there? Lassie. Rin Tin Tin. Pluto. Goofy (Maybe. He may or may not be a dog.). Santa's Little Helper. That one skateboarding dog. The Taco Bell chihuahua. Air Bud. Baxter from Anchorman. Jim Carrey's jack russell terrier in The Mask. My Dog Skip. Comet from Full House. Wishbone.

Hmm... what pet does AMERICA love more?

That's what I thought. Puppies kick ass.

Cats are okay. There's nothing wrong with them. They're just not puppies!




Hey I also have a new video posted called "The Boyfriend" that I made with my little cousins. Check it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=078CGWTCcYE
Thanks everyone :)

The Sam Mello Story

A video I just finished with my new camera :)

Hope you like it! Here's a link to my youtube channel too. It's pt0o (pt"zero"o). http://www.youtube.com/user/pt0o Check it out!

Ode to Yoga Pants

Hey all you boys out there who happen to read my blog (I know, I know, the crickets are chirping...), this post is not for you. Well, I guess it could be for you... but if you're as manly as I assume all boys are (my boyfriend watches Project Runway and this post still doesn't apply to him), this post will not affect your life in any way. So for all you manly men out there, I suggest you look away until my next post, "Ode to Machine Guns."

What I'm talking about, of course, is the yoga pant.

Have you heard of these beautiful inventions? Yoga pants are God's gift to bloaty crampy women. I realize how disgusting that sounds, but oh LORD, my yoga pants saved my life today. I felt awful all day, my stomach contorting violently throughout, then I went to the gas station to fill up my tank and THAT definitely didn't make things any better.
First, I went into the little station to pay the guy for gas, and he wasn't there. Turns out, he was sitting right outside the door, smokin' like a damn fool, and the WHOLE station smelled like cigarettes. I felt like puking all over his ugly shoes.
Then I went out to put the gasoline in my car and as SOON as I pulled the nozzle out of the holster, gasoline shot out over everything! It was ridiculous. I didn't even press the stupid trigger and it just leaked EVERYWHERE. I was like "eww." And the fumes just sickened me all the more.
Then to finish off my trinity of terrible smells, I drove by a street being repaved. It was a nightmare. I hope I never smell tar again.
So anyways, by the time I got home, I was feeling as bad as bad can feel. It was awful. I felt sick and was in pain and I was nauseated by the hoardes of terrible odors.
But then, like a light from the darkness, my yoga pants burst from the closet and saved me from the terrible constricting horror of jeans. I drank some tea and did some jumping jacks and chased my dog around the living room and all my terrible pains just floated away.
Thank you, yoga pants. I suggest all you ladies go out and purchase a pair for those awful, awful days. And hey boys, if you read this...

I apologize.