Ode to Yoga Pants

Hey all you boys out there who happen to read my blog (I know, I know, the crickets are chirping...), this post is not for you. Well, I guess it could be for you... but if you're as manly as I assume all boys are (my boyfriend watches Project Runway and this post still doesn't apply to him), this post will not affect your life in any way. So for all you manly men out there, I suggest you look away until my next post, "Ode to Machine Guns."

What I'm talking about, of course, is the yoga pant.

Have you heard of these beautiful inventions? Yoga pants are God's gift to bloaty crampy women. I realize how disgusting that sounds, but oh LORD, my yoga pants saved my life today. I felt awful all day, my stomach contorting violently throughout, then I went to the gas station to fill up my tank and THAT definitely didn't make things any better.
First, I went into the little station to pay the guy for gas, and he wasn't there. Turns out, he was sitting right outside the door, smokin' like a damn fool, and the WHOLE station smelled like cigarettes. I felt like puking all over his ugly shoes.
Then I went out to put the gasoline in my car and as SOON as I pulled the nozzle out of the holster, gasoline shot out over everything! It was ridiculous. I didn't even press the stupid trigger and it just leaked EVERYWHERE. I was like "eww." And the fumes just sickened me all the more.
Then to finish off my trinity of terrible smells, I drove by a street being repaved. It was a nightmare. I hope I never smell tar again.
So anyways, by the time I got home, I was feeling as bad as bad can feel. It was awful. I felt sick and was in pain and I was nauseated by the hoardes of terrible odors.
But then, like a light from the darkness, my yoga pants burst from the closet and saved me from the terrible constricting horror of jeans. I drank some tea and did some jumping jacks and chased my dog around the living room and all my terrible pains just floated away.
Thank you, yoga pants. I suggest all you ladies go out and purchase a pair for those awful, awful days. And hey boys, if you read this...

I apologize.

At The Movies With Lauren: Marley and Me

Disclaimer: This is a blog for all of those people who don't want to see certain movies, but would like to know what happens in them so they can relate in conversations. Believe me, it comes in handy. However, my blog will tell the movie EXACTLY as it is in theaters, so I don't recommend reading this if you are in fact going to see the movie, as it will RUIN the end for you. So, that's my spoiler alert.

Marley and Me

Once there was a guy named John Grogan and a lady named Jenny Grogan and they weren't brother and sister, they were married.
One day, Jenny killed a plant and decided she wanted a baby.
John bought her a puppy. It wasn't a labradoodle.
They named their puppy Marley. He destroyed the house.
Little did they know, their dog was evil. And ate too much.
He ripped up everything, and humped everyone, and peed where no dog should be peeing.
One day, a girl got stabbed in her car, so John and Jenny and Marley moved to Boca.
Oh, did I mention Jenny got pregnant? 4 times! 1 was a miscarriage though. It was sad.
Oh, also, Marley got his balls cut off.
Then they moved to Philadelphia. Marley got old and died. And the family was happy because he was an evil dog and nobody liked him anyway.
They were so happy they cried tears of joy.
But they loved that evil monster, and so they had a funeral, and Owen Wilson said a speech and then it was over.

The End.

This has been At the Movies with Lauren. Tune in next time!

At the Movies With Lauren: Twilight

Disclaimer: This is a blog for all of those people who don't want to see certain movies, but would like to know what happens in them so they can relate in conversations. Believe me, it comes in handy. However, my blog will tell the movie EXACTLY as it is in theaters, so I don't recommend reading this if you are in fact going to see the movie, as it will RUIN the end for you. So, that's my spoiler alert.

Twilight

So there's a girl named Bella who moves to a town called Forks. It rains too much and she's sad.
She also gets hit on by everyone or something and that makes her even more depressed.
But then there's a vampire with a handsome jawline named Edward. And she realizes he's smokin' hot and wants to bang him, but he doesn't know that because he can't read her mind. But he can read everyone else's minds.
One day, Bella strays from her pals and forgets where they're supposed to eat dinner or something and a serial rapist wants to... you know...
Edward actually does know. Because he can read minds.
So he shows up in his volvo and saves the day. Then the two have a romantic dinner by candlelight.
They figure out that they're both diggin' on eachother so Edward decides that he will never leave her alone again and that she's really, really important. She doesn't mind because she's uber clingy.
Then she watches a vampire baseball game and some other vampires drop by. They want to eat Bella.
Oh, did I mention Edward wants to eat her too? But it's okay, because he's diggin' on her more than he wants to eat her.
Anyway, long story short, a crazy vampire that isn't Edward breaks Bella's legs and Edward has to suck her neck, but he doesn't kill her or turn her into a vampire and she's totally okay at the end. And they go to prom.

The End.

This has been "At the Movies with Lauren." Tune in next time!

At the Movies with Lauren: The Golden Compass

Disclaimer: This is a blog for all of those people who don't want to see certain movies, but would like to know what happens in them so they can relate in conversations. Believe me, it comes in handy. However, my blog will tell the movie EXACTLY as it is in theaters, so I don't recommend reading this if you are in fact going to see the movie, as it will RUIN the end for you. So, that's my spoiler alert.

The Golden Compass

So there's another planet that's just like ours except its all CGI-y and every person has half a soul. The other half of their soul is stuck in an animal and it talks and follows the other half of the soul around. It's called a daemon. The animals are made of dust. Space dust. And apparently, dust is magical or something and there's a government that hates dust.
Well, when you're a kid, your daemon can change into whatever it wants and that's cool and everything, but it never changes into anything important. Not one animal in the whole movie turned into an anaconda, dragon, or AK-47.
There's this one really annoying girl named Lyra and all she wants is to hang out with her best friend Roger and Billy and they're all pals. But then Nicole Kidman comes and is really creepy and her daemon is a scary little monkey. Nicole Kidman and Lyra travel towards the north pole for some reason.
Lyra finds a piece of paper that proves Nicole Kidman has been kidnapping kids. Lyra runs away from Nicole Kidman, only to find Billy's mom and a gang of creepy norweigans who have a boat. Oh yeah, Billy and Roger were captured and taken to the North Pole by Nicole Kidman.
Nicole Kidman is upset that the girl discovered her plan and sent some bugs after her, but the bugs were caught with glass cups and Lyra didn't die. Because the bugs could kill you.
Oh, wait, did I mention Lyra got a golden compass? Well, it's not important.
Anyhoo, Lyra goes to the north pole to rescue Roger and Billy with her gang of Norweigans, a cowboy named Lee, and a giant talking Polar Bear.
The Polar Bear gets into a scrap along the way and fights another giant talking bear, rips his jaw off and breaks his neck with his teeth. Apparently, the target audience for this movie was NOT the 6 and under as I previously assumed.
Anyway, long story short, Lyra and pals have a great battle and rescue the kids and everything's okay. Except there's a whole bunch of unresolved questions and problems that were supposed to be dealt with in the sequel. However, with the economy how it is, a sequel is unlikely.

The End.

This has been "At the Movies with Lauren." Tune in next time!

Ode to Rainy Days

Welcome back! Sorry it's been so long. I've been delayed by a cold and a lot of homework. Don't believe me? Ask my mom!
Well I felt like today was the perfect day to start ode-ing once more. Do you know why? Bet you don't! It's because it's raining in Southern California (It almost never rains over here) and people are getting excited. Rain puts the ants back in our pants I suppose. However, I feel like if I'm going to write an Ode to Rainy Days, there's a secret I need to tell you...

I HATE THE RAIN.

It's wet. It's cold. It makes your cold wet clothes stick to your cold wet self. It gets my hair all cold wet and stringy. And it makes dogs STINK!

Now that I got that out of the way, there's something lovely about a nice rainy day. Not the rain itself, just the rainy day.
Have you ever noticed how rain makes colors jump out at you? Specifically green! Boy I love the way grass jumps out at you when the sky is that whitish grey color. And how the little drops of water bunch up on all the plants. It's definitely got curb appeal.
However, it's still rain. Cold, wet, gross rain.
I love what rain does to your car's windows. It makes the drive home more interesting. I almost feel more awake because of it. Not because I was even sleepy in the first place, I just feel like I woke up my life! Like the rain is saying, "the weather's changing today! why don't you change too?" And boy do I want to do something crazy. Like putting on rubber boots and jumping in puddles.
But I would only do that if it stopped raining. Because I can't stand the rain.
The cold air is so surprising and refreshing, I love it! It makes a beach community feel like a mountain town, you know? The air just feels different. I would love to live in a mountain town! The air would feel like that every day! And it wouldn't even need to rain for it!
But then it would be less special... Because the air would always be like that.
But still! Maybe people in mountain towns get more done, because the air makes them want to do more...
Oh! You know what else I love about rainy days? Warm beverages! Fireplaces! Blankets! Pajamas! Things that normally would be excessive (For example: We're already so warm Lauren, why do we need blankets, warm beverages and pajamas? And why in the WORLD are you starting a fire? We need a fireplace for that.) are now suddenly quite appropriate! Everyone! Throw off those pants! Empty out your ice cream cones! Don your PJs and get out that hot cocoa mix! It's snugglin' time!
In short, the rain is stupid. It's cold and wet. But boy, do I love a good rainy day.

Ode to Italian Food

Have you ever met anyone who didn't like italian food? Well, anyone who wasn't trying to lose weight that is...
I sure haven't! And it's delicious! So why not write an ode to Italian? ...Food, that is! (But I've heard the men are pretty spicy themselves! Mamma mia!)
Disregarding the spice factor of Italian boys, when people think Italian, they usually think pizza. It's everywhere! From Pizza Hut to Papa John's to Caesar's Pizza Pizza! I believe there is something to be said for better pizza than the pizza you hear about on TV... Pizzas that are fired in an oven to a crispy golden brown! The crust is crispy, and the cheese has its own special crisp in the little brown spots on the top. The people who really take the time and effort to make a good pizza... These people are artists!
Okay, another food I'm pretty sure is Italian is spaghetti (Though some people tell me it's Chinese. But they're just un-American)! You know what I love about spaghetti? The noodles. And the sauce. Just spaghetti in general is good.
And canoles! And ravioli! And other italian things! Like pistachios!
You know what I like? Bertolli! That's a good commercial. It's like there's these lil' Italian chefs and all they know how to say is "Bertolli..." So you know it's about Bertolli. But I think it's supposed to be about how Bertolli is better than Italian chefs. Bertolli is some kind of frozen dinner or pasta or something. Anyway, Bertolli is better than Italian chefs so you should buy Bertolli. Bertolli! The brand that makes REAL CHEFS sad.
So yummers right? I decided I could either make you hungry or I could write about Bertolli... I just didn't feel like making anyone hungry today!