Ode to Chalk (And parentheses)

Hey, can I tell you something weird? Just between you and me, I like chalk. Alot. Not because parrots eat it sometimes (DID YOU KNOW THAT SOME PARROTS EAT CHALK????) but because it's flippin' sweet (Please excuse my use of the word "flippin'")! Have you used chalk lately? Well whether you have or you haven't, (I bet most of you haven't) this ode's for you!

Okay lets begin with the reason that chalk is better than other forms of writing utensil (I'm WATCHING YOU BALLPOINT PENS!):

Number 1: Chalk is an acceptable form of graffiti.

That's right! Where pens and pencils are limited to paper, chalk is generally accepted on ANY MEDIUM! (That's right.) You can chalk up your driveway and your parents can't say nothin' about it! And if they do, you just say, "Mom. It's just chalk. Stop being such a drama queen. (And I ain't never cleanin' my room neither!)" Then, to spite you, she may or may not hose down the driveway. But if she does, never fear! Hopefully you took pictures or something. Or you can just make something else. It's not really a big deal unless you're some kind of amazing artist whose work should be there forever (If this is the case, chalk may not be the medium for you...).

Number 2: Chalk can be enjoyed by babies and adults alike.

Have you ever seen a baby trying to whittle a tiny irish setter out of a block of pine? (There's one now!) Well, this is dangerous. Babies should not handle knives, regardless of what they're trying to whittle. But you may ask, "Lauren, if a baby can't handle knives to whittle, how will he express his creative side?" Well, I'll tell you the answer. (Is it chalk?) CHALK! (Sweet!)
Chalk is generally fat and not sharp. It is usually too big for a baby to swallow (unless said baby is really really determined) and comes in a variety of colors. Adults are fascinated by the sailboats and other things they scrawl out upon pavement, while babies unsuccessfully try to whittle with this new strange instrument (sorry babies...) until they realize the glory of DRAWING a tiny irish setter instead (more chalk=fewer baby knife injuries).

Number 3: Chalk is forgiving.

Imagine you're a really awesome painter named Da Vinci (Can't you just FEEL the crazy?) and you're almost done with your masterpiece. It's a beautiful portrait of a woman. Absolutely amazing. It's so wonderful, you think you want to call it "The Beautifullest (En Italiano, son!)" You are so excited that people will finally love your unappreciated work. You dip your brush in the peach paint for one last stroke. You place the bristles on her forehead. You are finished.
In joy, you swipe the brush across the woman's eyebrows. They are gone. (HOLY CRAP.) Because you are using oil based paint, the work is ruined and you hate it but there's nothing you can do so "The Beautifullest" becomes "The Mona Lisa" and you throw it away and never look at it again because it sucks so much. I mean, come on, this chick has no eyebrows. (Terrible.)

Well, if Da Vinci had been using chalk, he could have just wiped the chalk away. Or hosed it off. Or drawn new eyebrows. So Da Vinci was not the genius he CLAIMED to be (what a loser.).

Chalk is the most fantastic of all art mediums. Anyone can use it (EVEN YOU!), it's practical, gets all over your clothes (it's a fashion statement!), and you can color with it at elementary schools without going to juvy! Chalk is cool (yo.) and because of my flawless reasoning above (absolutely flawless.) you should think so too. (Parentheses are fantastic because you can say stupid things but they don't count because they're in parentheses. I could say anything I want in here and you wouldn't be allowed to care. I think baby carrots are trying to turn me gay. See? You didn't even notice. It's the power of parentheses. Sometimes, I talk in an indian accent and don't care if it's offensive. So today's ode is a bit of a two for one. But because this is in parentheses I can say I don't care if you feel ripped off. In fact, you can SUCK IT.) Thank you so much for reading my blog today. You, my reader, are the most important person in the world to me. Without you, my thoughts and feelings would not be validated, and as a result, I love you Reader! You are great.

(Loser.)

Ode to Lawns

Say, who ever thought, "My house looks pretty lame. You know what would be cool? A large patch of grass in front of it." I'd like to give that guy the biggest fist bump ever.

Why's that? Because there is something lovely about a lawn. From the greenest grass to the slightly less green grass to brown (ew!) lawns are everywhere. And they're fantastic! Think of all the things you can do with a lawn. You can water it. You can stand on it. You can put a blanket on it and sit on the blanket. You can sit on the lawn. And play soccer on it. And sometimes people put sprinklers on it and you can play in the sprinklers.

Yes, lawns are wonderful. Some houses have them in front. Some houses have them in the backyard. Some lawns have chairs on them...

Lawns are actually not that great.

Ode to The Slow Clap

"...And I will not be defeated, unless someone defeats me! I will stand tall, regardless of the fact that I'm 5'3"! I will be a HERO!!!" Jeffrey stops speaking, a determined look upon his face. The room is silent. Someone stands up. He claps once. He claps again. And again, more quickly this time. And again. And again. He's actually clapping now. Someone's joined in. Two others. More clap. More stand up. And Jeffrey is surrounded by a room of people who have just participated in THE SLOW CLAP. He smiles. They pick his tiny body up from his chair and carry him applauding and laughing. Ol' Dean Anderson, the meanest of all the tall people tryin' to keep ol' Jeffrey down, is disgruntled. And they all laugh and clap as they walk toward the sunset, as they walk towards the horizon, as they walk towards the future, into a day where short people CAN be big.

And scene! You may not have realized it, but you've just witnessed a scene from my new screenplay, "Short People DO have a Reason to Live." (Take THAT, Kyle.)

But it's not the short people who you should have been paying attention to in this scene. It was the exploits of THE SLOW CLAP. Yes, there's something magical about the slow clap, be it the standing, the clap, then the next clap, or the fact that only one person is clapping. But that one clapping person is a hero. A REAL hero. Because he went out of his way to clap, even though no one else would clap. And people are all like, "Hey, hey, hey this clapping guy is totally right. That speech deserved some clapping!" So they start clapping and it's just a big beautiful applause. What's better than that? Nothing I bet.

There's only a few problems with the slow clap. Number one, you HAVE to get the timing right. If you mess that up, say, clapping too fast like a maniac, everyone will think, "That guy claps way too fast. He's like a maniac!" So no one will clap with you and you'll just sit there clapping, like an old seal nobody likes.

Number two, make sure you're cool enough to slow clap. If the lame guy (like DEAN ANDERSON, the bastard...) starts the slow clap, NO ONE will slow clap. Not even the guy who was thinking about starting a slow clap before the lame guy started slow clapping. And he was really DOWN with the speech too. So you know it's bad if he's not clapping.

Lastly, the slow clap can only be initiated after controversial speeches. Say Mary says a speech about how the empire state building is an icon. Well, now you can't stand up and slow clap, because everyone is already applauding it. I mean, it was a fine speech. So you're not a hero, you're the DORK who can't clap at the same speed as everyone else. And you're standing up. What's your problem? But if you start slow clapping after a young child says a speech about how even children with severe diabetes can be president, you are the glorious person who supported diabetic children in their quest for presidency. Yay for you and the slow clap! People will sit in awe as you rise above the oceans of other speech listeners and begin the clapping process.

So the slow clap. It builds nations.

Ode to Robots

Domo origato, Mister Roboto! Don't know what I just said? Here's a tip: ASK A ROBOT!

Robots are everywhere, in fact, you're on one right now! I'm pretty darn sure a computer is a robot, but if it's not, I guess I'll have to eat my hat! I love robots, from the wonderful world of WALL-E to the lil' alien robots from Batteries Not Included (Have you seen this movie? You should really rent it) to even the robot dog from Jimmy Neutron! Robots are the greatest!

But robots have one fatal flaw: They cannot love! It always seems to bother them. Except the robot from AI, he was created to love, but his mommy didn't love him after all! Poor poor robots, nobody wants to love them. Oh, except the ladies who were wooed by the prostitute robot... And I think WALL-E and Eve were in love! But I don't think that would ever really happen, because WALL-E's technically a robot trash compactor, and Eve is like... a gardener.

There's also the tin man! He's a robot right?

The movie Robots is surprisingly probably the worst robot movie ever. You wouldn't think so, considering the only characters are robots and robots are great, but SURPRISE! It sucks! But a great robot movie is definitely Terminator! I wouldn't mind a movie where the Terminator blows up those stupid robots from Robots. He'd have to use a pretty BIG GUN to get rid of all of them, but I can't imagine Arnold shying away from a bigass weapon of some sort. Especially to get rid of annoying little bitch robots.

But I think the KING of the robots is our old pal Optimus Prime. He's SO COOL. He's the reason I hated the last transformers movie, because SPOILER ALERT: he died in it. AND THAT WAS JUST AWFUL. He was barely in the movie! Who wants to watch two and a half hours of Shia LeBoeuf? Not me! That's for sure. But he's the reason I hate to be in the blind spot of big blue and red trucks with flames on them. They might try and merge into my lane, and if I don't let them in, they turn into bigass robots and punch my car. And I don't think my insurance will cover that.

Ode to Shaena

Oh the fantasicity of Shaena! I love Shaena. From her cute 'lil toes to her tooth that pops out to her long luxurious Jasmine hair (like you know, from Aladdin), Shaena is just an all around winner! Lately, she has also been wearing cute skirts as shown in this picture to the right. Isn't it cute! Don't you just want to steal it?? Well, you can't! It's Shaena's!

There are a few reasons I chose to comment on the greatness of Shaena! For one, she asked me to. Which means she reads my blog. And apparently nobody else does, so why not appeal to my primary audience? PROVE ME WRONG, OTHER READERS! Well, I'm not going to get all caps lock on you. But Shaena is very supportive in my stupid endeavors. Sometimes. Not when I log onto the APA council facebook (which is supposed to be representative of all of APA council, but Shaena technically runs it) and tell some kid "APA council is here for you. APA council is always on your side :)" Apparently, that goes down in infamy as the creepiest thing I've ever done. Shaena was not pleased. But I'm still laughing about it! I'm laughing right now! Ha ha ha ha HA. Anyways though, when I'm not being a creep, Shaena is very supportive. She makes me BELIEVE IN MYSELF. She's just like a cheesy lifetime movie, except that she's not cheesy or dumb. That's what's so great about her.

Another good reason. She does a great Ms. Swan impression. Together, we invented the word "funnydaddy" in a Ms. Swan accent. (If you don't know about accents, read yesterdays post). It may sound weird, but goodness, if you try it, it brings hours of joy. Well more like minutes... Seconds? However, together we've invented numerous strange words. Like, "Odi oh!" and "Oli oh!" and who can forget the classic, "Funnydaddy!" Hm. I guess the number of strange words is three.

There are some important things you should know about Shaena. When I first met her, I dreamt that she was an axe-wielding maniac. She really likes Starbucks. And she was my partner for link crew! She's also an avid musical theatre-ist. Despite her affinity for the thing and my disgust of it, I still love her. That's how much I like Shaena. And that's saying alot, because most of those kids drive me nuts, but here I am letting everyone know how great she is! So you know she's awesome. Yup.

Another thing! Shaena is an excellent videomaker. She likes to make music videos, which are lovely, but my favorites are when she just rambles and the camera cuts back and forth really fast! (Excuse the word ramble, but the topics are kind of random. Like my whole blog is a ramble. So no offense there, promise! It's a good thing.) It's so entertaining! I desperately want her to make a vlog because I'd check it all the time! She has not yet, however, she has expressed interest, so my hopes are not dashed.

Well, Shaena is a marvel! She's just a magnificent human being and that is why today's ode is to her. She's silly, intelligent, considerate, charming and just an all around wonderful person. And she's single, boys! Ooh!!

Oh, well... according to facebook, she's married to Josh Arnold. But I think they're just kidding :)