Little Mean Fred's Christmas Story

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Little Mean Fred. He looked like this.

Little Mean Fred liked fire, and every year for Christmas he would ask Santa for coal. But Santa thought Little Mean Fred was a good boy, so Santa didn't want to give him coal. He gave him delicious treats in his stocking instead.

But Little Mean Fred really wanted coal for Christmas, so he decided to be a bad little boy. He killed Little Suzie and Sweet Charlene and Tubby Tim and Marcus the Underbite Kid. He killed Funny Jackie and Stinky Liza and Pretty Kelly and Kobayashi the Japanese Boy and even Three-Eyed McFinnegan.

So Santa realized his mistake. Little Mean Fred was a very bad little boy. So Santa stuffed his stocking with a whole bunch of coal. And Little Mean Fred burned down the school, and killed 300 more little children. The End.

Happy Holidays!

Ode to Old People

Being old is awesome. From the big ugly glasses to the driving skills to thewisdom leaking everywhere, old people are just plain cool, whippersnappers! You know who's old? Sean Connery. Chuck Norris. Larry King. The Curb Your Enthusiasm guy. Andy Rooney. Ghandi. Jesus. And all these people made a HUGE impact on our world today!
Let's face it, some people are old before they become old! Like that 8 year old who watches jeopardy while eating applesauce. He's old! He's eight and he's old. It's just life.
But honestly, who wouldn't want to be old? Old people are the only people who can still be cool while rapping or making gang signs. If your boyfriend makes a gang sign, you say, "Jeremy, PLEASE, try and be professional!" But if Grandpa Ernie shows you how he can spell "Thug Life" with his knuckles, you're going to giggle and give him a high-five. There's something magical about an old person doing young people things. Like skateboarding! Imagine a little old man skateboarding. What a badass! But if you see Timmy from down the street skateboarding, nobody cares.
Old people are just better. They meet all the "better" critera. In fact, they meet all the "BUTTER" critera!
Actually, scratch that. I was trying to make a joke, but it didn't work. Maybe I'm just a little senile.

AWESOME!

Maybe I won't be so excited about it when I'm old, but I can't wait to yell at teenagers! Stupid teenagers. Gettin' all uppity. I'm not excited about the back pain, but I'm hoping that if I take my pills and drink a cup of gin every morning, it won't be too bad. I'm also not looking forward to not being able to run. So I'm hoping to be one of those superhuman 86 year olds who run cross country and drink a gallon of carrot juice everyday. As long as that plan works out, being old is going to be so so so cool.
And to the man who said, "Hope I die before I get old!" I say this,

"More old for me!"

Ode to Not Having to Wait at a Stoplight for a Green Arrow

So have you ever been driving along with the hopes of turning left? Most people have wanted to turn left at some time in their life. Well, you'd think it's not too complicated, but there's almost always one thing in the way. When you arrive at a stoplight, get in the left turning lane and see...

The Red Arrow.

There's something menacing about the red arrow. Everyone else has the green light, but you're stuck there waiting for the damn red arrow to turn green. Just waiting. Waiting.
When it finally does turn green, you have maybe thirty seconds to FLY through your left turn and if you're more than four cars back, you can forget turning left on this particular green arrow. It's just not going to happen, buster!

That's why today's ode is to "not having to wait at a stoplight for a green arrow." Because driving along at 50 mph and seeing that green arrow is already green so that you can just turn and not wait for no reason, I think, may be the most fulfilling driving experience in the world!

Actually, just not having to wait at all is a fantastic experience. We're living in impatient times! I want my food NOW. That's why we have microwaves. I want my mail INSTANTLY. Email! I want my waste disposed as soon as it RETREATS FROM MY BOWELS! Indoor plumbing.

Now all of these things are great, but we're talking about green arrows here! The green arrow is almost a passport, a window to the left turn. That's really all you can say about them. I just wanted to bring attention to how much fun it is to turn left without waiting. What a rush.

Ode to Puppies

You know what I love? A nice warm puppy. I don't think there's anything better in the whole wide world.

Puppies are like babies. Except they're less needy. You have to teach babies to walk. Puppies already know how to walk. Less needy.

But do you know what's even better about a puppy? They're wiggly and plump and they run around and snuggle with everyone! I would kill to have that life. Puppies have got it all.

Sure, people are down on puppies sometimes because they cry at night. But so do babies. And puppies pee on things sometimes. But so do alcoholics. And there are days when puppies chew up your shoes. But what raccoon hasn't done the same thing?

My puppy is a giant beast. He loves to lick everyone and his whole body shakes with excitement whenever anyone comes through the door. He's clumsy and often runs into things because his huge body is a little too excited to see you to worry about manuvering around things. He just walks right through them instead.

If you're a cat person, you probably don't appreciate these traits like I do. I adore my puppy. He's the disgusting silly love of my life! But some cat people say they'd rather chill with a cat.

I guess that's okay. But you don't see me writing an ode to kittens do you? As a result, puppies are clearly superior.

How many famous cats are there? Garfield. Snowball II. That's it.

But how many famous dogs are there? Lassie. Rin Tin Tin. Pluto. Goofy (Maybe. He may or may not be a dog.). Santa's Little Helper. That one skateboarding dog. The Taco Bell chihuahua. Air Bud. Baxter from Anchorman. Jim Carrey's jack russell terrier in The Mask. My Dog Skip. Comet from Full House. Wishbone.

Hmm... what pet does AMERICA love more?

That's what I thought. Puppies kick ass.

Cats are okay. There's nothing wrong with them. They're just not puppies!




Hey I also have a new video posted called "The Boyfriend" that I made with my little cousins. Check it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=078CGWTCcYE
Thanks everyone :)

The Sam Mello Story

A video I just finished with my new camera :)

Hope you like it! Here's a link to my youtube channel too. It's pt0o (pt"zero"o). http://www.youtube.com/user/pt0o Check it out!

Ode to Yoga Pants

Hey all you boys out there who happen to read my blog (I know, I know, the crickets are chirping...), this post is not for you. Well, I guess it could be for you... but if you're as manly as I assume all boys are (my boyfriend watches Project Runway and this post still doesn't apply to him), this post will not affect your life in any way. So for all you manly men out there, I suggest you look away until my next post, "Ode to Machine Guns."

What I'm talking about, of course, is the yoga pant.

Have you heard of these beautiful inventions? Yoga pants are God's gift to bloaty crampy women. I realize how disgusting that sounds, but oh LORD, my yoga pants saved my life today. I felt awful all day, my stomach contorting violently throughout, then I went to the gas station to fill up my tank and THAT definitely didn't make things any better.
First, I went into the little station to pay the guy for gas, and he wasn't there. Turns out, he was sitting right outside the door, smokin' like a damn fool, and the WHOLE station smelled like cigarettes. I felt like puking all over his ugly shoes.
Then I went out to put the gasoline in my car and as SOON as I pulled the nozzle out of the holster, gasoline shot out over everything! It was ridiculous. I didn't even press the stupid trigger and it just leaked EVERYWHERE. I was like "eww." And the fumes just sickened me all the more.
Then to finish off my trinity of terrible smells, I drove by a street being repaved. It was a nightmare. I hope I never smell tar again.
So anyways, by the time I got home, I was feeling as bad as bad can feel. It was awful. I felt sick and was in pain and I was nauseated by the hoardes of terrible odors.
But then, like a light from the darkness, my yoga pants burst from the closet and saved me from the terrible constricting horror of jeans. I drank some tea and did some jumping jacks and chased my dog around the living room and all my terrible pains just floated away.
Thank you, yoga pants. I suggest all you ladies go out and purchase a pair for those awful, awful days. And hey boys, if you read this...

I apologize.

At The Movies With Lauren: Marley and Me

Disclaimer: This is a blog for all of those people who don't want to see certain movies, but would like to know what happens in them so they can relate in conversations. Believe me, it comes in handy. However, my blog will tell the movie EXACTLY as it is in theaters, so I don't recommend reading this if you are in fact going to see the movie, as it will RUIN the end for you. So, that's my spoiler alert.

Marley and Me

Once there was a guy named John Grogan and a lady named Jenny Grogan and they weren't brother and sister, they were married.
One day, Jenny killed a plant and decided she wanted a baby.
John bought her a puppy. It wasn't a labradoodle.
They named their puppy Marley. He destroyed the house.
Little did they know, their dog was evil. And ate too much.
He ripped up everything, and humped everyone, and peed where no dog should be peeing.
One day, a girl got stabbed in her car, so John and Jenny and Marley moved to Boca.
Oh, did I mention Jenny got pregnant? 4 times! 1 was a miscarriage though. It was sad.
Oh, also, Marley got his balls cut off.
Then they moved to Philadelphia. Marley got old and died. And the family was happy because he was an evil dog and nobody liked him anyway.
They were so happy they cried tears of joy.
But they loved that evil monster, and so they had a funeral, and Owen Wilson said a speech and then it was over.

The End.

This has been At the Movies with Lauren. Tune in next time!

At the Movies With Lauren: Twilight

Disclaimer: This is a blog for all of those people who don't want to see certain movies, but would like to know what happens in them so they can relate in conversations. Believe me, it comes in handy. However, my blog will tell the movie EXACTLY as it is in theaters, so I don't recommend reading this if you are in fact going to see the movie, as it will RUIN the end for you. So, that's my spoiler alert.

Twilight

So there's a girl named Bella who moves to a town called Forks. It rains too much and she's sad.
She also gets hit on by everyone or something and that makes her even more depressed.
But then there's a vampire with a handsome jawline named Edward. And she realizes he's smokin' hot and wants to bang him, but he doesn't know that because he can't read her mind. But he can read everyone else's minds.
One day, Bella strays from her pals and forgets where they're supposed to eat dinner or something and a serial rapist wants to... you know...
Edward actually does know. Because he can read minds.
So he shows up in his volvo and saves the day. Then the two have a romantic dinner by candlelight.
They figure out that they're both diggin' on eachother so Edward decides that he will never leave her alone again and that she's really, really important. She doesn't mind because she's uber clingy.
Then she watches a vampire baseball game and some other vampires drop by. They want to eat Bella.
Oh, did I mention Edward wants to eat her too? But it's okay, because he's diggin' on her more than he wants to eat her.
Anyway, long story short, a crazy vampire that isn't Edward breaks Bella's legs and Edward has to suck her neck, but he doesn't kill her or turn her into a vampire and she's totally okay at the end. And they go to prom.

The End.

This has been "At the Movies with Lauren." Tune in next time!

At the Movies with Lauren: The Golden Compass

Disclaimer: This is a blog for all of those people who don't want to see certain movies, but would like to know what happens in them so they can relate in conversations. Believe me, it comes in handy. However, my blog will tell the movie EXACTLY as it is in theaters, so I don't recommend reading this if you are in fact going to see the movie, as it will RUIN the end for you. So, that's my spoiler alert.

The Golden Compass

So there's another planet that's just like ours except its all CGI-y and every person has half a soul. The other half of their soul is stuck in an animal and it talks and follows the other half of the soul around. It's called a daemon. The animals are made of dust. Space dust. And apparently, dust is magical or something and there's a government that hates dust.
Well, when you're a kid, your daemon can change into whatever it wants and that's cool and everything, but it never changes into anything important. Not one animal in the whole movie turned into an anaconda, dragon, or AK-47.
There's this one really annoying girl named Lyra and all she wants is to hang out with her best friend Roger and Billy and they're all pals. But then Nicole Kidman comes and is really creepy and her daemon is a scary little monkey. Nicole Kidman and Lyra travel towards the north pole for some reason.
Lyra finds a piece of paper that proves Nicole Kidman has been kidnapping kids. Lyra runs away from Nicole Kidman, only to find Billy's mom and a gang of creepy norweigans who have a boat. Oh yeah, Billy and Roger were captured and taken to the North Pole by Nicole Kidman.
Nicole Kidman is upset that the girl discovered her plan and sent some bugs after her, but the bugs were caught with glass cups and Lyra didn't die. Because the bugs could kill you.
Oh, wait, did I mention Lyra got a golden compass? Well, it's not important.
Anyhoo, Lyra goes to the north pole to rescue Roger and Billy with her gang of Norweigans, a cowboy named Lee, and a giant talking Polar Bear.
The Polar Bear gets into a scrap along the way and fights another giant talking bear, rips his jaw off and breaks his neck with his teeth. Apparently, the target audience for this movie was NOT the 6 and under as I previously assumed.
Anyway, long story short, Lyra and pals have a great battle and rescue the kids and everything's okay. Except there's a whole bunch of unresolved questions and problems that were supposed to be dealt with in the sequel. However, with the economy how it is, a sequel is unlikely.

The End.

This has been "At the Movies with Lauren." Tune in next time!

Ode to Rainy Days

Welcome back! Sorry it's been so long. I've been delayed by a cold and a lot of homework. Don't believe me? Ask my mom!
Well I felt like today was the perfect day to start ode-ing once more. Do you know why? Bet you don't! It's because it's raining in Southern California (It almost never rains over here) and people are getting excited. Rain puts the ants back in our pants I suppose. However, I feel like if I'm going to write an Ode to Rainy Days, there's a secret I need to tell you...

I HATE THE RAIN.

It's wet. It's cold. It makes your cold wet clothes stick to your cold wet self. It gets my hair all cold wet and stringy. And it makes dogs STINK!

Now that I got that out of the way, there's something lovely about a nice rainy day. Not the rain itself, just the rainy day.
Have you ever noticed how rain makes colors jump out at you? Specifically green! Boy I love the way grass jumps out at you when the sky is that whitish grey color. And how the little drops of water bunch up on all the plants. It's definitely got curb appeal.
However, it's still rain. Cold, wet, gross rain.
I love what rain does to your car's windows. It makes the drive home more interesting. I almost feel more awake because of it. Not because I was even sleepy in the first place, I just feel like I woke up my life! Like the rain is saying, "the weather's changing today! why don't you change too?" And boy do I want to do something crazy. Like putting on rubber boots and jumping in puddles.
But I would only do that if it stopped raining. Because I can't stand the rain.
The cold air is so surprising and refreshing, I love it! It makes a beach community feel like a mountain town, you know? The air just feels different. I would love to live in a mountain town! The air would feel like that every day! And it wouldn't even need to rain for it!
But then it would be less special... Because the air would always be like that.
But still! Maybe people in mountain towns get more done, because the air makes them want to do more...
Oh! You know what else I love about rainy days? Warm beverages! Fireplaces! Blankets! Pajamas! Things that normally would be excessive (For example: We're already so warm Lauren, why do we need blankets, warm beverages and pajamas? And why in the WORLD are you starting a fire? We need a fireplace for that.) are now suddenly quite appropriate! Everyone! Throw off those pants! Empty out your ice cream cones! Don your PJs and get out that hot cocoa mix! It's snugglin' time!
In short, the rain is stupid. It's cold and wet. But boy, do I love a good rainy day.

Ode to Italian Food

Have you ever met anyone who didn't like italian food? Well, anyone who wasn't trying to lose weight that is...
I sure haven't! And it's delicious! So why not write an ode to Italian? ...Food, that is! (But I've heard the men are pretty spicy themselves! Mamma mia!)
Disregarding the spice factor of Italian boys, when people think Italian, they usually think pizza. It's everywhere! From Pizza Hut to Papa John's to Caesar's Pizza Pizza! I believe there is something to be said for better pizza than the pizza you hear about on TV... Pizzas that are fired in an oven to a crispy golden brown! The crust is crispy, and the cheese has its own special crisp in the little brown spots on the top. The people who really take the time and effort to make a good pizza... These people are artists!
Okay, another food I'm pretty sure is Italian is spaghetti (Though some people tell me it's Chinese. But they're just un-American)! You know what I love about spaghetti? The noodles. And the sauce. Just spaghetti in general is good.
And canoles! And ravioli! And other italian things! Like pistachios!
You know what I like? Bertolli! That's a good commercial. It's like there's these lil' Italian chefs and all they know how to say is "Bertolli..." So you know it's about Bertolli. But I think it's supposed to be about how Bertolli is better than Italian chefs. Bertolli is some kind of frozen dinner or pasta or something. Anyway, Bertolli is better than Italian chefs so you should buy Bertolli. Bertolli! The brand that makes REAL CHEFS sad.
So yummers right? I decided I could either make you hungry or I could write about Bertolli... I just didn't feel like making anyone hungry today!

Ode to Chalk (And parentheses)

Hey, can I tell you something weird? Just between you and me, I like chalk. Alot. Not because parrots eat it sometimes (DID YOU KNOW THAT SOME PARROTS EAT CHALK????) but because it's flippin' sweet (Please excuse my use of the word "flippin'")! Have you used chalk lately? Well whether you have or you haven't, (I bet most of you haven't) this ode's for you!

Okay lets begin with the reason that chalk is better than other forms of writing utensil (I'm WATCHING YOU BALLPOINT PENS!):

Number 1: Chalk is an acceptable form of graffiti.

That's right! Where pens and pencils are limited to paper, chalk is generally accepted on ANY MEDIUM! (That's right.) You can chalk up your driveway and your parents can't say nothin' about it! And if they do, you just say, "Mom. It's just chalk. Stop being such a drama queen. (And I ain't never cleanin' my room neither!)" Then, to spite you, she may or may not hose down the driveway. But if she does, never fear! Hopefully you took pictures or something. Or you can just make something else. It's not really a big deal unless you're some kind of amazing artist whose work should be there forever (If this is the case, chalk may not be the medium for you...).

Number 2: Chalk can be enjoyed by babies and adults alike.

Have you ever seen a baby trying to whittle a tiny irish setter out of a block of pine? (There's one now!) Well, this is dangerous. Babies should not handle knives, regardless of what they're trying to whittle. But you may ask, "Lauren, if a baby can't handle knives to whittle, how will he express his creative side?" Well, I'll tell you the answer. (Is it chalk?) CHALK! (Sweet!)
Chalk is generally fat and not sharp. It is usually too big for a baby to swallow (unless said baby is really really determined) and comes in a variety of colors. Adults are fascinated by the sailboats and other things they scrawl out upon pavement, while babies unsuccessfully try to whittle with this new strange instrument (sorry babies...) until they realize the glory of DRAWING a tiny irish setter instead (more chalk=fewer baby knife injuries).

Number 3: Chalk is forgiving.

Imagine you're a really awesome painter named Da Vinci (Can't you just FEEL the crazy?) and you're almost done with your masterpiece. It's a beautiful portrait of a woman. Absolutely amazing. It's so wonderful, you think you want to call it "The Beautifullest (En Italiano, son!)" You are so excited that people will finally love your unappreciated work. You dip your brush in the peach paint for one last stroke. You place the bristles on her forehead. You are finished.
In joy, you swipe the brush across the woman's eyebrows. They are gone. (HOLY CRAP.) Because you are using oil based paint, the work is ruined and you hate it but there's nothing you can do so "The Beautifullest" becomes "The Mona Lisa" and you throw it away and never look at it again because it sucks so much. I mean, come on, this chick has no eyebrows. (Terrible.)

Well, if Da Vinci had been using chalk, he could have just wiped the chalk away. Or hosed it off. Or drawn new eyebrows. So Da Vinci was not the genius he CLAIMED to be (what a loser.).

Chalk is the most fantastic of all art mediums. Anyone can use it (EVEN YOU!), it's practical, gets all over your clothes (it's a fashion statement!), and you can color with it at elementary schools without going to juvy! Chalk is cool (yo.) and because of my flawless reasoning above (absolutely flawless.) you should think so too. (Parentheses are fantastic because you can say stupid things but they don't count because they're in parentheses. I could say anything I want in here and you wouldn't be allowed to care. I think baby carrots are trying to turn me gay. See? You didn't even notice. It's the power of parentheses. Sometimes, I talk in an indian accent and don't care if it's offensive. So today's ode is a bit of a two for one. But because this is in parentheses I can say I don't care if you feel ripped off. In fact, you can SUCK IT.) Thank you so much for reading my blog today. You, my reader, are the most important person in the world to me. Without you, my thoughts and feelings would not be validated, and as a result, I love you Reader! You are great.

(Loser.)

Ode to Lawns

Say, who ever thought, "My house looks pretty lame. You know what would be cool? A large patch of grass in front of it." I'd like to give that guy the biggest fist bump ever.

Why's that? Because there is something lovely about a lawn. From the greenest grass to the slightly less green grass to brown (ew!) lawns are everywhere. And they're fantastic! Think of all the things you can do with a lawn. You can water it. You can stand on it. You can put a blanket on it and sit on the blanket. You can sit on the lawn. And play soccer on it. And sometimes people put sprinklers on it and you can play in the sprinklers.

Yes, lawns are wonderful. Some houses have them in front. Some houses have them in the backyard. Some lawns have chairs on them...

Lawns are actually not that great.

Ode to The Slow Clap

"...And I will not be defeated, unless someone defeats me! I will stand tall, regardless of the fact that I'm 5'3"! I will be a HERO!!!" Jeffrey stops speaking, a determined look upon his face. The room is silent. Someone stands up. He claps once. He claps again. And again, more quickly this time. And again. And again. He's actually clapping now. Someone's joined in. Two others. More clap. More stand up. And Jeffrey is surrounded by a room of people who have just participated in THE SLOW CLAP. He smiles. They pick his tiny body up from his chair and carry him applauding and laughing. Ol' Dean Anderson, the meanest of all the tall people tryin' to keep ol' Jeffrey down, is disgruntled. And they all laugh and clap as they walk toward the sunset, as they walk towards the horizon, as they walk towards the future, into a day where short people CAN be big.

And scene! You may not have realized it, but you've just witnessed a scene from my new screenplay, "Short People DO have a Reason to Live." (Take THAT, Kyle.)

But it's not the short people who you should have been paying attention to in this scene. It was the exploits of THE SLOW CLAP. Yes, there's something magical about the slow clap, be it the standing, the clap, then the next clap, or the fact that only one person is clapping. But that one clapping person is a hero. A REAL hero. Because he went out of his way to clap, even though no one else would clap. And people are all like, "Hey, hey, hey this clapping guy is totally right. That speech deserved some clapping!" So they start clapping and it's just a big beautiful applause. What's better than that? Nothing I bet.

There's only a few problems with the slow clap. Number one, you HAVE to get the timing right. If you mess that up, say, clapping too fast like a maniac, everyone will think, "That guy claps way too fast. He's like a maniac!" So no one will clap with you and you'll just sit there clapping, like an old seal nobody likes.

Number two, make sure you're cool enough to slow clap. If the lame guy (like DEAN ANDERSON, the bastard...) starts the slow clap, NO ONE will slow clap. Not even the guy who was thinking about starting a slow clap before the lame guy started slow clapping. And he was really DOWN with the speech too. So you know it's bad if he's not clapping.

Lastly, the slow clap can only be initiated after controversial speeches. Say Mary says a speech about how the empire state building is an icon. Well, now you can't stand up and slow clap, because everyone is already applauding it. I mean, it was a fine speech. So you're not a hero, you're the DORK who can't clap at the same speed as everyone else. And you're standing up. What's your problem? But if you start slow clapping after a young child says a speech about how even children with severe diabetes can be president, you are the glorious person who supported diabetic children in their quest for presidency. Yay for you and the slow clap! People will sit in awe as you rise above the oceans of other speech listeners and begin the clapping process.

So the slow clap. It builds nations.

Ode to Robots

Domo origato, Mister Roboto! Don't know what I just said? Here's a tip: ASK A ROBOT!

Robots are everywhere, in fact, you're on one right now! I'm pretty darn sure a computer is a robot, but if it's not, I guess I'll have to eat my hat! I love robots, from the wonderful world of WALL-E to the lil' alien robots from Batteries Not Included (Have you seen this movie? You should really rent it) to even the robot dog from Jimmy Neutron! Robots are the greatest!

But robots have one fatal flaw: They cannot love! It always seems to bother them. Except the robot from AI, he was created to love, but his mommy didn't love him after all! Poor poor robots, nobody wants to love them. Oh, except the ladies who were wooed by the prostitute robot... And I think WALL-E and Eve were in love! But I don't think that would ever really happen, because WALL-E's technically a robot trash compactor, and Eve is like... a gardener.

There's also the tin man! He's a robot right?

The movie Robots is surprisingly probably the worst robot movie ever. You wouldn't think so, considering the only characters are robots and robots are great, but SURPRISE! It sucks! But a great robot movie is definitely Terminator! I wouldn't mind a movie where the Terminator blows up those stupid robots from Robots. He'd have to use a pretty BIG GUN to get rid of all of them, but I can't imagine Arnold shying away from a bigass weapon of some sort. Especially to get rid of annoying little bitch robots.

But I think the KING of the robots is our old pal Optimus Prime. He's SO COOL. He's the reason I hated the last transformers movie, because SPOILER ALERT: he died in it. AND THAT WAS JUST AWFUL. He was barely in the movie! Who wants to watch two and a half hours of Shia LeBoeuf? Not me! That's for sure. But he's the reason I hate to be in the blind spot of big blue and red trucks with flames on them. They might try and merge into my lane, and if I don't let them in, they turn into bigass robots and punch my car. And I don't think my insurance will cover that.

Ode to Shaena

Oh the fantasicity of Shaena! I love Shaena. From her cute 'lil toes to her tooth that pops out to her long luxurious Jasmine hair (like you know, from Aladdin), Shaena is just an all around winner! Lately, she has also been wearing cute skirts as shown in this picture to the right. Isn't it cute! Don't you just want to steal it?? Well, you can't! It's Shaena's!

There are a few reasons I chose to comment on the greatness of Shaena! For one, she asked me to. Which means she reads my blog. And apparently nobody else does, so why not appeal to my primary audience? PROVE ME WRONG, OTHER READERS! Well, I'm not going to get all caps lock on you. But Shaena is very supportive in my stupid endeavors. Sometimes. Not when I log onto the APA council facebook (which is supposed to be representative of all of APA council, but Shaena technically runs it) and tell some kid "APA council is here for you. APA council is always on your side :)" Apparently, that goes down in infamy as the creepiest thing I've ever done. Shaena was not pleased. But I'm still laughing about it! I'm laughing right now! Ha ha ha ha HA. Anyways though, when I'm not being a creep, Shaena is very supportive. She makes me BELIEVE IN MYSELF. She's just like a cheesy lifetime movie, except that she's not cheesy or dumb. That's what's so great about her.

Another good reason. She does a great Ms. Swan impression. Together, we invented the word "funnydaddy" in a Ms. Swan accent. (If you don't know about accents, read yesterdays post). It may sound weird, but goodness, if you try it, it brings hours of joy. Well more like minutes... Seconds? However, together we've invented numerous strange words. Like, "Odi oh!" and "Oli oh!" and who can forget the classic, "Funnydaddy!" Hm. I guess the number of strange words is three.

There are some important things you should know about Shaena. When I first met her, I dreamt that she was an axe-wielding maniac. She really likes Starbucks. And she was my partner for link crew! She's also an avid musical theatre-ist. Despite her affinity for the thing and my disgust of it, I still love her. That's how much I like Shaena. And that's saying alot, because most of those kids drive me nuts, but here I am letting everyone know how great she is! So you know she's awesome. Yup.

Another thing! Shaena is an excellent videomaker. She likes to make music videos, which are lovely, but my favorites are when she just rambles and the camera cuts back and forth really fast! (Excuse the word ramble, but the topics are kind of random. Like my whole blog is a ramble. So no offense there, promise! It's a good thing.) It's so entertaining! I desperately want her to make a vlog because I'd check it all the time! She has not yet, however, she has expressed interest, so my hopes are not dashed.

Well, Shaena is a marvel! She's just a magnificent human being and that is why today's ode is to her. She's silly, intelligent, considerate, charming and just an all around wonderful person. And she's single, boys! Ooh!!

Oh, well... according to facebook, she's married to Josh Arnold. But I think they're just kidding :)

Ode to Accents

Oh the glory of accents! Today's ode is to the accent. Not just this one, "è" or this one, "ĕ" but all kinds! There's the French one, and the Italian one and the Chinese one and the Spanish one!! There are so many!

But people with accents don't know they have accents. Because everybody in their hometown has the same accent! So they think everyone else has a weird accent when they do! Can you imagine? All those crazy spaniards... Thinking that we Americans have accents! When in reality, all Americans have perfect speech patterns that don't have accents at all. Everyone else have accents. But we're perfect.

Anyhoo, apparently accents make people much more attractive too. My friends are always like, "Ooh! An accent! This person is sexy because he comes from different lands." But I'm not so sure I understand the appeal. I like to understand a guy before I answer his questions and sometimes, with accents, I just don't understand them! So only SOME accents are sexy. I like South American and Southern, I think. I don't know why. Maybe it's the word "South." I don't know why that would be sexy though.

Yay for accents!

Ode to Dogs in Goggles

This is a picture of a dog with goggles. I hope it brightened your day.

Ode to Caramel

Oh the wonders of caramel! I love caramel. It is delicious and sugary and good. That is exactly why today I've decided to tell you about caramel. Well, not actually. The reasons are two fold.

Reason 1: I went to church today and had caramel syrup in my coffee! It was just delicious and I loved it. But it was far too hot, so I put ice in it to do that McDonald's iced coffee thing. It was okay. It was probably actually worse than when it was too hot. So I threw it away. But when I put the caramel in, it was delicious.

Reason 2: It was also my cousin's birthday today (happy birthday kaley!) and there was caramel on top of her ice cream cake. And I wasn't going to have any, until I saw the caramel and was like, "Yum. Caramel." I didn't even care about the ice cream! I ate it. And it was good. Then we played a game (Apples to Apples) and I wanted some more caramel but we didn't have anything to put it on. So I had a taco instead. But really, I wanted caramel.

Not only is caramel delicious, it is quite versatile. It can be brittle and glaze, you can make caramel apples and caramels in wrappers and use it as a sauce! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

But I digress. Caramel is a lovely treat. You know what it would be good with? Frozen yogurt. Let's go get some right now. OH GOODNESS, IS IT HOT OUTSIDE! If I put a caramel on the windowsill it would PROBABLY melt. That's how hot it is outside. Don't believe me? Go, go to where your mom hides her secret stash of candy. Grab a caramel and put it on your windowsill. Is it melting yet? Now take the melted caramel and drizzle it over your frozen yogurt. Leash up your dog and sit outside on the curb and eat it. Recipe for a nice summer treat right there!

Don't be alarmed by the sudden color change. I was using a nice brown to remind you of caramel, and those lovely pastels up there to show off my reasons to talk about caramel, but I can see how this deep violet may throw you off! Let me assure you it has nothing to do with caramel, but with the spontaneity of my character! Ho ho! Well, I've always loved caramel, but you really can't eat too much of it. It's made entirely of sugar. And though I know I got you all excited about caramel and yogurt, be warned! It can be deadly too! It can give you diabetes! So watch out for caramel. But if you can enjoy it WITH RESTRAINT, by all means take that caramel syrup and pour it in your coffee! But don't add the ice!