Ode to The Slow Clap

"...And I will not be defeated, unless someone defeats me! I will stand tall, regardless of the fact that I'm 5'3"! I will be a HERO!!!" Jeffrey stops speaking, a determined look upon his face. The room is silent. Someone stands up. He claps once. He claps again. And again, more quickly this time. And again. And again. He's actually clapping now. Someone's joined in. Two others. More clap. More stand up. And Jeffrey is surrounded by a room of people who have just participated in THE SLOW CLAP. He smiles. They pick his tiny body up from his chair and carry him applauding and laughing. Ol' Dean Anderson, the meanest of all the tall people tryin' to keep ol' Jeffrey down, is disgruntled. And they all laugh and clap as they walk toward the sunset, as they walk towards the horizon, as they walk towards the future, into a day where short people CAN be big.

And scene! You may not have realized it, but you've just witnessed a scene from my new screenplay, "Short People DO have a Reason to Live." (Take THAT, Kyle.)

But it's not the short people who you should have been paying attention to in this scene. It was the exploits of THE SLOW CLAP. Yes, there's something magical about the slow clap, be it the standing, the clap, then the next clap, or the fact that only one person is clapping. But that one clapping person is a hero. A REAL hero. Because he went out of his way to clap, even though no one else would clap. And people are all like, "Hey, hey, hey this clapping guy is totally right. That speech deserved some clapping!" So they start clapping and it's just a big beautiful applause. What's better than that? Nothing I bet.

There's only a few problems with the slow clap. Number one, you HAVE to get the timing right. If you mess that up, say, clapping too fast like a maniac, everyone will think, "That guy claps way too fast. He's like a maniac!" So no one will clap with you and you'll just sit there clapping, like an old seal nobody likes.

Number two, make sure you're cool enough to slow clap. If the lame guy (like DEAN ANDERSON, the bastard...) starts the slow clap, NO ONE will slow clap. Not even the guy who was thinking about starting a slow clap before the lame guy started slow clapping. And he was really DOWN with the speech too. So you know it's bad if he's not clapping.

Lastly, the slow clap can only be initiated after controversial speeches. Say Mary says a speech about how the empire state building is an icon. Well, now you can't stand up and slow clap, because everyone is already applauding it. I mean, it was a fine speech. So you're not a hero, you're the DORK who can't clap at the same speed as everyone else. And you're standing up. What's your problem? But if you start slow clapping after a young child says a speech about how even children with severe diabetes can be president, you are the glorious person who supported diabetic children in their quest for presidency. Yay for you and the slow clap! People will sit in awe as you rise above the oceans of other speech listeners and begin the clapping process.

So the slow clap. It builds nations.